Confidence

I've got a post in the queue about thankfulness, so I'll get to that momentarily (sometime today or tomorrow.)

In the meantime, let me unleash a little rage that's been building up inside of me.

No one has my back in this life.

I'm starting a business. When I hear things like "You don't have to quit your dayjob," or "That's great and everything, but it's always good to be secure," it's a backhanded compliment at best, and a strike at who I am at worst.

The only person who believed in me is gone now. My brother ryan once wrote me a letter that said something to the effect of "No one said I could do radio. I did it. No one said I could do sports TV. I did it. Everyone said there wasn't any money in MMA. I found it. You can do it if you want to. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise." He also gave me a keepsake watch that says that to me every time I look at the time.

I'm doing it, and if it takes me closing my ears/eyes from all of my family and friends, I'll do it. I'm going to live my dreams. You can't stop me, so please try to be supportive and see the same vision I do. If I fail, what happens? I get another regular job. Stop pulling me down with your negativity. This isn't a little pet hobby project, it's my life. If you disrespect what I'm doing, it's disrespecting me directly. I'll still love you and everything, but you know, when you get torn down on things that are so close to your heart, you only stay open and take the punishment so much.

Calacanis to leave AOL?

Wow.

If you come here for my insightful and interesting life, please pause for a moment while i discuss some geek-related news.

Tech Crunch drops the bomb, says my former boss, Jason Calacanis, is leaving Netscape/AOL.

Do I believe it?

Yes.

If you look at his blog posts over the last little bit, he's drifted away from the social news angle he once held. Now, instead, he seems to be posting a lot about wikipedia and Jimbo, arguably wikipedia's founder.

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and say he's thinking about starting some sort of wiki-related service. A wikipedia competitor? Doubtful, although it may work. I think he's on to something with placing ads on wikipedia to donate to charity. Don't know how it'll work, but if one thing is certain, Jason can get it going.

The real question is: if J.C. leaves AOL, can he still host his blog on Blogsmith? Better yet, can I host my blog on blogsmith? =)

Changing the game

If I told you I was planning on changing the way we see indie video on the web, would you believe me?

Didn't think so.

Looks like we'll have to see how it goes, but I think by next June, you'll look back at this blog post and either A) say "Randall was really thinking!" B) "What a smarmy butthole" or C) "He tried, but too bad he failed."

Either way, I'm happy enough. I'm going to create a job I love on the side, and try to bring it to me full-time. Lots of dependent variables, but the one constant: I want my life to rule, so it's going to. End of story. Let's hope that a ruling life will include some extra cash on the side, but that's not a primary motivator.

My new project goes into beta on Monday... I'll tell you more then.

Disillusioned

I'm having a hard time right now. I'm really glad I didn't end up becoming a local news producer or reporter, although that puts me at a loss for career choices. I decided I can't handle all the murder, death and sad stories anymore. Graphics are one thing, but right now it's really hard for me to hear any of these sad freaking stories, because of my personal experience right now. I still want to be a tech reporter, but I'm not going to do any local news.

You'll see my plan soon.

Radiohead Phase 2.0

I went through a Radiohead (the band, btw) phase about five-ish years ago. For some reason, when I'm sorting through a lot of crap, it calms me or something. It's really good music to kind of pop in when you've got some philosophical issues to work through, or when you're feeling melancholy in general. I'm back to The Bends, the album that captivated me originally (Sorry, OK Computer was all about Karma Police when i was listening the first time around.) Kind of fun to put together a playlist called "Sappy" with people like Radiohead, Foo Fighters gentle stuff and Badly Drawn Boy (with some Ben Folds mixed in for good measure.) Blah.

Back from Vegas today! Vegas was pretty fun, but you know, it's vegas and gets old quickly. A one-day trip is a little short, but not by too much. I worked for the MTN TV network (Nevada V UNLV, in case you were wondering.) I heard a rumor from some of my friends in the TV freelancing world that if you head to the ESPN zone, you can get a discount if you say you're a freelancer. We'll see next time I'm in Vegas, which is probably the Saturday after Thanksgiving, with potential for the Friday and Saturday.

On the edge...

So I've been on the edge of a lot of things lately. My emotions have been on the edge, I'm on the edge of going crazy, and sometimes my posts are on the edge of making sense (like this and the prior post.) Now for some clarity into my life, and what I'm doing.

I'm switching TV stations as of Monday. I'm no longer in the KSL Blue... now I've moved over to the red side and joined KUTV. I'm still a graphic artist, but I think that's really something I can excell in, without having to advance my career as much. Do I think it'll be useful for my career? Perhaps... but in the long run the real reason I took the job was the cash and the stability. KSL was an awesome place to work, and I'd recommend it to anyone in Utah. It's a great place with a ton of great folks, and if you're really interested in seeing people who care about their jobs, head there. The opportunity with KUTV leaves a lot of unknowns in front of me, but with a lot of answers in the near term. I know that after a few weeks, I'll love it, and hopefully they'll love me!

On the edge of Healthcare is something I'm really excited to be near. I've got to make all my benefits decisions within the next few weeks, and realistically that makes me stoked. I'm doing the 401k thing, the benefits thing and maybe i'll try to get some brain health in there too.

I'm also on the edge of having my life be great. Right now, it's going ok. I'm the only person who can make it be great, and I'm finding that pretty difficult right now. It's still hard (really hard) for me to go through all this stuff with my brother. He was someone who I used as a blueprint for my own life, and it's hard for me to deal with it. It's hard for me to watch UFC fights, although it's somewhat thereputic as well. It's really hard for me to visit my brother's family... because they all mean so much to me, and when they say things like "you look like daddy" or anything that deals with the "D" word, I about lose my mind and start bawling. I can't really deal with this world right now, and it drives me crazy.

I'm on the edge of a lot of things, and while I've been on the edge of something that starts with S, I don't think it's really an option for me. I've been dealing with so much lately, when it gets late at night, I get pretty sad still. I think I'm bi-polar, and if someone could help me treat it effectively without making me feel all crappy and tired, I'd be pretty stoked.

PS-- Going to vegas next saturday for the UNLV game. Not the biggest vegas fan, but frequent flier miles! =) I've got enough for a trip for myself already. Anyone know how to spend frequent flier miles on things other than flights?

Holy poop.

Wow kids.

I'm leaving KSL.

Wow kids.

Engadget redesign.

That should pacify both of my main audiences. I'll post more later.

I need a job. Badly.

Wow. I truly need a job... well more specifically health insurance. If you're an employer, looking for a true multi-tasker and multi-talent (writing, graphics, editing, producing, Internet content) with experience (Netscape.com and KSL-TV) you should email me right now.

jobs (at) randallatnyc.com

If you know anyone else who is hiring, that would rule too. Email me with any job prospects in the Salt Lake City area. I really need health insurance and college graduate level pay. Please, oh please, hook me up.

Seizure!

Hey,

Had a seizure again.

Weird times in the life of Randall.

Don't know what it means / what's wrong with me / if I should go to the doctor or not. This one was a lot different than the one before. Could be hypoglycemia, or could be that I'm still crazy.

I also got these weird blotches underneath my eyelids.

Anyway, now I'm going to look for jobs that have healthcare, as I am in genuine need of it.