On the edge...

So I've been on the edge of a lot of things lately. My emotions have been on the edge, I'm on the edge of going crazy, and sometimes my posts are on the edge of making sense (like this and the prior post.) Now for some clarity into my life, and what I'm doing.

I'm switching TV stations as of Monday. I'm no longer in the KSL Blue... now I've moved over to the red side and joined KUTV. I'm still a graphic artist, but I think that's really something I can excell in, without having to advance my career as much. Do I think it'll be useful for my career? Perhaps... but in the long run the real reason I took the job was the cash and the stability. KSL was an awesome place to work, and I'd recommend it to anyone in Utah. It's a great place with a ton of great folks, and if you're really interested in seeing people who care about their jobs, head there. The opportunity with KUTV leaves a lot of unknowns in front of me, but with a lot of answers in the near term. I know that after a few weeks, I'll love it, and hopefully they'll love me!

On the edge of Healthcare is something I'm really excited to be near. I've got to make all my benefits decisions within the next few weeks, and realistically that makes me stoked. I'm doing the 401k thing, the benefits thing and maybe i'll try to get some brain health in there too.

I'm also on the edge of having my life be great. Right now, it's going ok. I'm the only person who can make it be great, and I'm finding that pretty difficult right now. It's still hard (really hard) for me to go through all this stuff with my brother. He was someone who I used as a blueprint for my own life, and it's hard for me to deal with it. It's hard for me to watch UFC fights, although it's somewhat thereputic as well. It's really hard for me to visit my brother's family... because they all mean so much to me, and when they say things like "you look like daddy" or anything that deals with the "D" word, I about lose my mind and start bawling. I can't really deal with this world right now, and it drives me crazy.

I'm on the edge of a lot of things, and while I've been on the edge of something that starts with S, I don't think it's really an option for me. I've been dealing with so much lately, when it gets late at night, I get pretty sad still. I think I'm bi-polar, and if someone could help me treat it effectively without making me feel all crappy and tired, I'd be pretty stoked.

PS-- Going to vegas next saturday for the UNLV game. Not the biggest vegas fan, but frequent flier miles! =) I've got enough for a trip for myself already. Anyone know how to spend frequent flier miles on things other than flights?

Holy poop.

Wow kids.

I'm leaving KSL.

Wow kids.

Engadget redesign.

That should pacify both of my main audiences. I'll post more later.

I need a job. Badly.

Wow. I truly need a job... well more specifically health insurance. If you're an employer, looking for a true multi-tasker and multi-talent (writing, graphics, editing, producing, Internet content) with experience (Netscape.com and KSL-TV) you should email me right now.

jobs (at) randallatnyc.com

If you know anyone else who is hiring, that would rule too. Email me with any job prospects in the Salt Lake City area. I really need health insurance and college graduate level pay. Please, oh please, hook me up.

Happy? Nah... Sad? Definetely not.

I get a lot of people checking in on me, wondering exactly "how I'm doing..." or "hey, heard you had a seizure, hope you don't die!" I'm here to clear up exactly how I'm doing.

I'm Ehh. When I say Ehh, it's not "I'm doing bad, investigate further" but it's also not "Holy crap, I just moved to New York, my life feels perfect!" It's exactly what it sounds like. Yeah, my brother died a few months back. I'm still not really over it. I've got a lot of emotional issues to work out... and PS, I'm concerned about my family. I recently moved back from New York to live with my sister so we could be a support structure for each other. I was very concerned from afar about how my family was doing, and I decided its most prudent for me to be back in Utah. Utah isn't working out that well yet either, between the low pay, under appreciated feeling, job switcheroo and udder lack of health benefits, I'm not that happy to be here.

Honesty isn't necessarily what people are looking for when they check up on me, and when they show concern, it almost makes me want to lie to some extent. I don't know how anyone can help me, I don't know what you personally can do for me, but the fact that you care about me enough to call is enough. Know that when I respond "I feel really crappy today," you replying with "well, regardless of how you're doing, I still love you and care about how you're doing daily. I know things can be grey, but they'll look up," is a good answer, as long as its sincere. Sincerety is all I desire. I don't need someone to fix my problems. They're not going to be fixed easily. You caring about me though, will go a long way. Probably a longer way than you think.

Big ups to people who care about me. It really means a lot to me. If you read this blog and haven't emailed in a while, hit me up. I've got a real easy email address... it's yourname@randallatnyc.com . Email me, ping me, call me and say hi. I want to know how you're doing.

[completely unrelated]
Oh, and this just came across my RSS reader: Nintendo Wii launches November 15th for $250. I wish I had some cash. Maybe i'll save some money.

Pointless thoughts

So.... pointless thoughts on september 11th.

I, like all Americans, am pretty bummed out by today. I don't know if I feel like crying because of my brother, my connection to new york or my connection to all americans. It's difficult to pinpoint feelings of sadness, but ultimately it doesn't really matter why I'm sad, why I'm happy, but more or less it just matters that I (we) keep growing and moving forward.

I had more to say, but... it doesn't really matter. Remember today always, and don't forget other major days, like 4/20 and 12/7. If you don't know what happened on those days... look it up today and remember the brave americans who died.